California Nurserymen Knee-slappers!

"During the last year much has been said and written about the Avocado, known in Mexico as the "Ahuacate," in Peru as "Palta," in the West Indies as "Midshipmen's Butter," but generally spoken of here in the United States as "Alligator Pear." I expect you will think some of the stories I will tell about the income from individual trees will sound pretty big, but you know we of the southern end of the State have the reputation of being very careful, when speaking of our section or resources, not to speak of them in too small a way.

"This reminds me of the story of the young man from Iowa who came to visit his cousin John in Los Angeles. Of course the first thing John did was to take him to the chamber of commerce, where he saw corn twenty feet high, pumpkins weighing one hundred pounds, and many things of a like nature. These made a great impression on the Iowan.

"In the evening he went out to call upon some friends in the city, his cousin John waiting up for him. To pass the time John picked up his mandolin and played upon it till, becoming sleepy, he laid the mandolin on the bed and nodded over in his chair. 

"About eleven o'clock the Iowan returned and spying the mandolin on the bed, he grabbed up the fire poker and smashed it into smithereens. 

"This wakened John, who, viewing the destruction of his favorite instrument, exclaimed, "Why in the name of goodness, have you smashed my mandolin?" 

A much more pleasant picture of a "bug",
Mr. H.M. Woggle-Bug, T.E.
The Land of Oz,
by L.Frank Baum

"Mandolin, hell!" retorted the Iowan, "I thought it was a California bed bug."

This was a joke told by D.W. Coolidge of Coolidge Rare Plant Gardens of Pasadena at the Second Annual Meeting of the California Nurserymen in 1912.  Mr. Coolidge started out with a joke, had a joke in the middle and ended with a joke. Not all of his jokes are funny or even understandble today! Apparently other people noticed his wittiness, because his memorial page in the California Avocado Association also points this out.

References 

• Douglas William Coolidge, California Avocado Association 1928 Yearbook 13: 94-95  "As a prominent member of the California Nurserymen's Association, he was in great demand as toastmaster at banquets because of his wit and command of language.", contains his photo.
• "Rare Plants, Economic and Ornamental", Transactions and Proceedings of the Second Annual Meeting of the California Association of Nurserymen, Held in Oakland, on Thurs. Fri. and Sat. November 7-9, 1912. p. 53, D.W. Coolidge of the Coolidge Rare Plant Gardens, Pasadena, Calif., SB1C3
• "Seven Truths of the Avocado", Yearbook California Avocado Society, p. 19, 1922, D.W. Coolidge
• Coolidge Rare Plant Gardens catalog
• Photo of the participants of the 1911 Proceedings of the California Association of Nurserymen, and from Theodore Payne website: Photo of the attendees for 1911 CAN meeting, D.W. Coolidge is #48. Ernest Benard is #34, Theodore Payne is #2, George C. Roeding is #23, W.V. Eberly is #25. 
• Proceedings of California Nurserymen Association, 1911. Hathitrust?
• Proceedings of California Nurserymen Association, 1912.
• USDA Farmer's Bulletin No. 169, Experiment Station Work XXII, 1903, Picture of Avocados.
• Another source of these tall tales - California Crops That Failed, John E. Baur California Historical Society Quarterly, Vol. 45, No. 1 (Mar., 1966), pp. 41-68